My Crappy Year Continues

I'm telling you I will be celebrating like a wild woman when I ring in the New Year at 12:00 AM on January 1st, 2009. I am more than ready to say goodbye to 2008 and welcome in a fresh new year.

I keep wondering how much more crappiness (is that even a word?) me, my husband, and my family can take this year? Just about the time I think things are turning around and that good things are coming, something else occurs.

The latest:

My mom called earlier tonight to tell me that my grandfather, who has been in a rest home since May, is now under the care of Hospice and has been taken off all medications. He is only being given oxygen for comfort.

He fell a couple of weeks ago and because of the fall his brain is bleeding. He also has full-blown Alzheimer's Disease.

It's been a REALLY difficult year when it comes to the matter of my relationship with my grandfather and my grandmother. There has been a lot that has taken place between them and my mother that has been very hurtful to her and because of that I've had a very hard time finding the love in my heart to accept them for who they are and forgive them for things that have been done to my mom in the past and things that have been done and said to her in this past year.

I have struggled so much with my faith and doing what I know is the right thing to do when it comes to this issue. In my heart I know what the right thing to do is, but I just haven't been able to get my head and body to do what is right.

I have not seen my grandfather, or my grandmother for that matter, since Father's Day. I just have not been able to bring myself to go see him in that horrible rest home.

My mom's anger with her parents has changed my views of them and has made me angry as well. It has forever changed my relationship and our family dynamic and that deeply saddens me. Although, I never experienced first hand my grandfather at his worst and I don't know all the tiny details, I do know that my mom's childhood was not a piece of cake. Deep inside I love my grandparents, they have always been decent to me, but I also have a hard time facing them knowing some of the things I know now.

I hate that my mom's relationship with her parents is forever changed and damaged. I hate that her feelings have spilled over to me and that my feelings toward my grandparents have been forever damaged.

It saddens me that my grandfather no longer knows or shows signs of recognizing anyone. It saddens me that he didn't appear to know or recognize me the last time I saw him on Father's Day. It saddens me that I haven't been able to bring myself to completely forgive him and my grandmother for the things that have happened between my mother and them, and bring myself to go see him more often since he's been in the rest home. It angers me to realize that my mom has done a good job of helping my sister and I to be angry with my grandparents along with her, yet she also sees fit to make sure I feel guilty for not rushing to see my grandparents because of my changed feelings due to the things she has shared with me. It saddens me to realize that my grandfather being in Hospice's care means that it probably won't be long until his passing. Even knowing that I still find myself struggling to forgive him.

I feel like a terrible person because of that.

I know it is important for me to go see him very soon. I've know for months that it is important for me to go see him and to forgive him, yet I've found every excuse in the World not to stop in, and not to let go. I have no excuses. His rest home is 10 minutes from my home. I have no excuses for not allowing myself to forgive. It is totally in my control.

I cannot continue to let my mother's anger and issues with her parents spill into my life. I cannot continue to allow her to manipulate me in that manner. I love my mom with all of my heart and I will always be one to stand up and back my immediate family 110% if I feel they are in the right, but I have to forgive my grandpa and go see him before it's too late and I regret it forever.

As for the second crappy thing to happen recently: I found out last week that my niece, almost 13, has been having abdominal pain issues again. My sister and BIL have had to take her out of school again and put her on home-study.

She missed most of her 7th grade year last year due to abdominal pain issues. She went to countless doctors and had countless tests, yet the doctors and tests were not able to find anything that would explain her condition. She did have some minor inflammation of her appendix and in May of this year she had surgery to remove it.

She seemed to be doing well during the summer and then, to my understanding, the pain returned again in August. My niece, sister and BIL kept this information from my mom and dad because they didn't want to stress them any further since my mom was already having her breast lump issues.

My sister and I don't talk to each other as often as I'd like, so I usually find out what is going on in her and her family's life by talking to my mom. So they just told my mom about my niece's health issues last week.

My niece went to the doctor on Monday to do a type of test where she had to swallow a pill camera in hopes that the data the camera records will find something to explain her pain. She is still waiting for the results.

I just hope and pray that the doctors are able to find something soon that would explain her pain and that it is something that is curable or fixable so that she can get to feeling better soon and get back to school and hanging out with her friends.

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