I Didn't Make It to See Him - Rest in Peace Papa

Me with my Papa on Christmas in 2007

I had my alarm set to get up and go with my DH to see my grandpa before DH left for work today. Unfortunately I waited until it was too late. My grandpa, better known by me as Papa, passed away sometime this morning in the rest home.

My mom called me about 10 minutes to 8 o'clock this morning. I knew when the phone rang and saw the caller ID that it was not good news. My mom is a night owl like me so anytime I hear from her before noon I know that something is up.

I'm really sorry I didn't get to see my Papa before he passed away. I had some things I wanted to tell him even if he didn't know me. I needed to tell him those things.

I admit that I am one who is not always faithful about stopping to say my bedtime prayers. I struggle often with remembering at night to say my prayers before I go to sleep.

I had a lot on my mind last night when I went to bed. A lot going through my mind and I was having a hard time falling asleep. I'm sure part of that was my Halloween night candy and sugar consumption. About 30 minutes after laying down for bed it dawned on me that I NEEDED to say my prayers. In those prayers one of the things I prayed for was God's forgiveness for not going to see my Papa and forgiveness for my feelings towards him and my grandma regarding the issues I wrote about in my previous "Crappy" post.

I'm still sad that I didn't get to go see him and just say those words I need to say, I just hope he knows now that I forgive him for things he did while on this Earth and that I loved him and I'm sorry for not being there when I should have been.

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What I Get to Do Next Saturday and Prayers for My Mom

I posted this as a message on the scrapbook message board I frequent, but thought that it was worth a post here on my blog too for those who read my blog but don't frequent the scrapbook board.

I am so excited about what I get to do this upcoming Saturday.

My camera is going to get one heck of a workout Saturday. Extra memory cards are a must.

This next weekend, October 11-12 is Fleet Week in San Francisco.

My DH works for a law enforcement agency in the Bay Area. His department has a rescue cutter. Last year some of his co-workers got the chance to go out on the boat and watch the air show & Blue Angels during their Fleet Week performance over the San Francisco Bay.

DH put in a request to go out on the boat this year, and he just told me tonight that it is a go. Next Saturday DH and I get to go out on the boat in the middle of the bay and watch the Blue Angels and the rest of the Fleet Week air show. We will be right underneath all the action. I cannot wait! I'm so flippin' excited!

My mom and dad were planning on going with us, but decided to back out as my mom is facing breast lumpectomy surgery on the 15th to remove a possible breast cancer lump.

Saturday is her birthday and I was excited to give her such a cool gift. Although I am sad that she and my dad will not be joining Greg and I on the boat Saturday, I can respect and understand her decision to stay home and away from the cold air of the Bay and being around other people in an attempt to prevent any chance of getting sick before her surgery.

I just want my mom healthy and well and with me here on Earth for a long long time to come and if that means missing the Blue Angels and having her surgery ASAP, then it is totally worth it.

If you are the praying kind, a prayer for my mom, her health, and good thoughts for her as she faces surgery would be appreciated more than words could ever express.

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God Grant Me Faith, Strength, Peace, Kindness, and Patience

So far 2008 has been a rough year on a personal level. It seems that I have faced one struggle or challenge after another month after month, and I continue to do so day after day.

I have questioned my faith in God from time to time this year, but I've never allowed myself to totally give up my belief that he really does exist, and in some very odd way my struggles and my questioning of Him has helped me realize the importance of building my relationship with my Lord Jesus Christ and the importance of living my life for Him every single day.

I've been trying really hard lately to build my relationship with my Lord, trust in the plans He has for my life, and to live the type of life that will honor His name, but I do admit that I still struggle daily.

Tonight was one of those nights. I had an in-law family occasion to attend and I was in a funk of a mood while there. Things people said grated on my nerves, things people did grated on my nerves. The fact that everyone was talking about my cousin-in-law's very soon-to-be upcoming birth of her first child, while my husband and I have been struggling with infertility, grated on my nerves. I wanted to scream. I wanted to be rude. I wanted to cry. I wanted to be mean. My thoughts were not nice nor were they that of what I think a good Christian should be.

Why? It was nice to be celebrating with family instead of sitting home alone. I am also so very happy for my cousin-in-law and her husband and I am excited that we are getting a new member in our big crazy family, but I'm also extremely sad that DH (Dear Husband) and I were not the ones to bring the first great-grandbaby into DH's family.

I'm jealous. I wanted to be first at something for once in my life. I want so badly to be a mommy and I want so badly for my DH to be a daddy. I want to bask in the glory that comes along with being an expecting woman and a new mom. I want to not fear growing old alone.

I know these are attitudes that my Lord would not want me to have and I hate that I have these feelings.

I hate that tonight I walked into that party in a bad mood, just ready to be grumpy and looking to start a fight. I didn't, if you are wondering, but I probably made some comments that I shouldn't have made. I know the Lord does not want me to be so rude or cynical. I do not want to be so rude or cynical. I want to be someone my Lord is proud to call one of his children.

I have to constantly remind myself to be a better person, the person that the Lord intended for me to be. Sometimes I fail, but at least I don't forget that I need to continue trying every single day.

I ask the Lord to grant me the faith to continue to believe in Him, build my relationship with Him, study and learn His word, and live by that word every day. I ask Him to give me the strength to face my struggles with dignity and strong faith that my Lord will look after me always. I ask Him to give me the ability to find peace in my life, even in the midst of turmoil and uncontrolable circumstances. I ask Him to help me show kindness to others always and to rid me of my jealous thoughts and behaviors. Lastly, I ask my Lord to grant me the patience to wait for the fulfillment of my heart's desires, to trust that He hears me and my petitions, and that in due time He will answer my prayers.

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