So far 2008 has been a rough year on a personal level. It seems that I have faced one struggle or challenge after another month after month, and I continue to do so day after day.
I have questioned my faith in God from time to time this year, but I've never allowed myself to totally give up my belief that he really does exist, and in some very odd way my struggles and my questioning of Him has helped me realize the importance of building my relationship with my Lord Jesus Christ and the importance of living my life for Him every single day.
I've been trying really hard lately to build my relationship with my Lord, trust in the plans He has for my life, and to live the type of life that will honor His name, but I do admit that I still struggle daily.
Tonight was one of those nights. I had an in-law family occasion to attend and I was in a funk of a mood while there. Things people said grated on my nerves, things people did grated on my nerves. The fact that everyone was talking about my cousin-in-law's very soon-to-be upcoming birth of her first child, while my husband and I have been struggling with infertility, grated on my nerves. I wanted to scream. I wanted to be rude. I wanted to cry. I wanted to be mean. My thoughts were not nice nor were they that of what I think a good Christian should be.
Why? It was nice to be celebrating with family instead of sitting home alone. I am also so very happy for my cousin-in-law and her husband and I am excited that we are getting a new member in our big crazy family, but I'm also extremely sad that DH (Dear Husband) and I were not the ones to bring the first great-grandbaby into DH's family.
I'm jealous. I wanted to be first at something for once in my life. I want so badly to be a mommy and I want so badly for my DH to be a daddy. I want to bask in the glory that comes along with being an expecting woman and a new mom. I want to not fear growing old alone.
I know these are attitudes that my Lord would not want me to have and I hate that I have these feelings.
I hate that tonight I walked into that party in a bad mood, just ready to be grumpy and looking to start a fight. I didn't, if you are wondering, but I probably made some comments that I shouldn't have made. I know the Lord does not want me to be so rude or cynical. I do not want to be so rude or cynical. I want to be someone my Lord is proud to call one of his children.
I have to constantly remind myself to be a better person, the person that the Lord intended for me to be. Sometimes I fail, but at least I don't forget that I need to continue trying every single day.
I ask the Lord to grant me the faith to continue to believe in Him, build my relationship with Him, study and learn His word, and live by that word every day. I ask Him to give me the strength to face my struggles with dignity and strong faith that my Lord will look after me always. I ask Him to give me the ability to find peace in my life, even in the midst of turmoil and uncontrolable circumstances. I ask Him to help me show kindness to others always and to rid me of my jealous thoughts and behaviors. Lastly, I ask my Lord to grant me the patience to wait for the fulfillment of my heart's desires, to trust that He hears me and my petitions, and that in due time He will answer my prayers.
1 comment:
(((((Cathy)))))
I'm sorry you're having such trying struggles this year. I know it doesn't help much, but I've been there, done that--and I had the same personal faith struggles you're experiencing.
I've been praying for you for quite a while and will continue to do so. I hope that you can find peace in His plan for you and the patience to see how that plan plays out. I know neither are easy. More (((((hugs))))).
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