Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Starting Anew - Revitalizing My Blog, My Attitude, and Outlook on Life

It has been forever since I last blogged. That is so typical for me! It's just like when I was a young teenager, and I wanted a diary. I was sure when my mom finally bought me that diary as a gift that I would write in it daily filling the pages with my deepest thoughts and daily activities.

That lasted for a few weeks until I got too busy and also thought that my life was too uninteresting to write about. I recently found that diary as I was moving things out of my parent's home, my childhood home. It was both fun and funny to open up it up and read my entries. There was talk of the weather and daily activities, school doings, fights with parents, and of course the secret crushes that only my diary knew about.

Oh, to be a clueless, carefree, sappy teenager again! I think I'm just a bit wiser now then I was back then, but I still feel just as clueless sometimes. I'm definitely still just as sappy, but life, circumstance and age has also hardened my heart a bit, and I think writing might be just the thing I need to help me soften it some.

A little background: My parent's recently sold their 60 acre ranch and my childhood home and are preparing to move. This is a home they had custom built when I was just a kid. I saw it go from an alfalfa field to the place I love and called home for 21 years. Like it was just yesterday, I recall the excitement of seeing the foundation poured, the 2x4's going up until we finally had a brand new home and I had a bedroom of my own, even if I was at first scared to sleep in it alone without my older sister in the room with me.

It's been nearly 29 years since my parent's, my sister and I moved into this home. I lived in it from the time I was 6 years old until I got married at the age of 27. My father's family has owned the property it sits on since he was 14 years old, and except for the years he was in college and the few years he and my mom lived and worked in the Bay Area it is the land he has called home.

It is breaking my heart, almost literally in recent weeks, to see that home sold and in the hands of someone else. I've been having actual physical illness, heart palpitations and all recently. After several visits to the doctor and one to the ER, I'm told it is most likely related to stress and anxiety. Most likely brought on by my feelings about the sell of my childhood home and my parent's upcoming move among other things.

I'm glad for my parents that they feel like they are doing what is best for them, and I want their health and happiness to come first and foremost. I want them to be here on this Earth for years to come, and I know for them it is time to make this move. However, it still doesn't make it any easier for me and I just can't quite grasp the reasons why I'm taking this so hard both mentally and physically.

Why can't I just let go? I have tons of photographs to remember the good times in this home. Boxes of them, all sitting in my current home available for me to look at any time I want. I'll continue to have the wonderful memories of my childhood home. I still have both my parent's here on this Earth. So why is it that this building, this house has such a hold on my life. Why is it that I'm allowing the sell of it to make me physically sick? Why can't I just get over it?

Why? Because I'll never be able to freely walk in that home again anytime I want to do so. Because those comfortable, oh-so-familiar surrounding will no longer be available to me. Because I will never be able to introduce the children I long for, but don't yet have to my childhood home that was filled with so much love and gave me so much joy and comfort. Because I'm angry and sad that the sell of this home just goes to prove once again that I can never get to comfortable with my life, because just when I least expect it I get another damn curve ball thrown at me.

I'm sure I'll never be able to totally understand the workings of my mind when it comes to this issue, but I have to take control of it right this instant and stop letting it control me. I have to stop allowing the sell of this home, this new life chapter, this curve ball to make me physically sick.

It's just not worth it!


Kaye said...

Cathy, I'm so sorry that you are having to go thru is. I have to say that I dread the day I have to go thru the same thing. My mom is still living in the house that I grew up in. I know that she'll most likely continue to live there for several more years, but I know at some point she'll probably decide to move closer to my brothers. It is going to devastate me when she sells my childhood home.

DH's parents moved out of his childhood home about four years ago. He cried when he found out they were moving because he knew he could never go "home" again.

Tracy Kosofsky said...

Hey, Cathy - I've been thinking about you and hope things are well. I had to laugh about your "blog gap" - I just had one, too, and I did the exact same thing with my diary as a kid. Tracy in FL