Sunday, December 07, 2008

Joy Challenge - Having a hard time finding joy this week.

(Warning: This is quite the ramble of a post.)

I know I said I would participate in the December Joy Challenge this month. I had so much fun participating in the November Gratitude Challenge and thought I would do good at the December challenge too. When it started I was really, truly looking forward to the challenge.

It's just not happening for me the past few days. I'm just not feeling the joy this week and having a hard time with coming up with anything to write about.

I'm feeling really tired, busy, and overwhelmed with Christmas coming up. All I ever want to do each Christmas season is just sit back and relax and enjoy this time of year, and all I ever feel like I'm doing year after year is rushing and trying to play catch up and keep everyone happy.

We got most of the outside of our home decorated the past three days. I just have a few finishing touches to complete outside. I still have the entire inside of the house to decorate before my ornament party on Thursday, plus cooking to do for the party, and I have bunco on Tuesday night so I feel like I don't have much time to get everything done. My house is a mess. I feel like I need to clean it up before I can even start to mess it up with bins of Christmas stuff.

I'm really bummed with the news I got this week that we missed again on starting our family. I allowed my mind to build my hopes up, only to have them crushed again. Why do I do that to myself? I'm sure it doesn't help that I've been off the progesterone supplements for about 4 days now and once again I've felt my attitude plummet from feeling great and happy to a low again. It's the same cycle over and over again. Tiring, so very tiring.

I've never felt better in years that I have in the two weeks each month since September that I've been on progesterone supplements due to our fertility issues. I asked the doctor about being on a small does all the time, and he didn't agree that it would be helpful to me. Ugh! I feel like a hormonal freakin' mess! I've never cried so much at the drop of a hat as I have this year and it sucks! I'm tired of being an emotional mess. I'm tired of the lows.

So anyway, my point is, I'm in no mood to try and pretend that I'm joyful this week. I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed, I'm frustrated, and most of all I'm ready for a new year. I'm ready for a new me because I don't like the me I've become in the past year or so.

I can only hope that next year will turn out better than this year. I can only hope that I will have the strength and courage to make the changes in me that I need to make to make myself happier and that in turn I will be a more pleasant person for my DH and the rest of my family to live with.

'Cause believe me, I haven't exactly been a ball of joy to live with this year, and I really want to be a ball of joy to live with. I want to have fun and love life and be that person that everybody wants to hang out with. I want to truly believe that everything in life will be OK, even if I don't get what I wish for so desperately. I want to be the person my DH first married, who had goals, personal aspirations, and dreams of a better life and really truly believed it would come true. I want to be that person again who can easily keep up the house duties, get dinner cooked, keep organized, and still be energetic and fun to be around. I've lost that person in recent years and I want her back.

So for now until I decided I feel inspired enough to find joy in my life this month and write about it I'm out of this challenge for the month. If I feel inspired I will write, but I don't think I'll be making an entry every day as I did in November. :-(

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